The Tour de France has never been confused with a relaxing bicycle vacation.

There are mountains to climb, elbows to avoid, roundabouts to negotiate, crosswinds to survive and approximately three weeks during which somebody is always trying to take your lunch money.

But 2024 was different.

By the time the surviving riders reached the final podium, the traditional question wasn't:

“Who won?”

It was:

“Who can still stand?”

The answer, fortunately, was three riders.

Mostly.

First Place

The man in yellow had clearly earned his victory.

One arm was in a sling. One foot was encased in enough plaster to reinforce a small bridge. His jersey had been reduced to something resembling a shop rag.

But he was smiling.

He had won the Tour de France.

More importantly, he had beaten the orthopedic surgeon's estimate for how long he could remain upright.

The bouquet was raised triumphantly with his functioning arm.

Champion.

Second Place

The green jersey arrived on crutches.

This was initially considered a violation of UCI equipment regulations until officials determined that the crutches weighed less than 6.8 kilograms and therefore constituted an acceptable climbing aid.

His left eye was swollen shut.

His right eye was focused firmly on the podium.

He had spent three weeks chasing the yellow jersey and finally finished second.

Asked afterward whether he would return next year, he replied:

“Absolutely.”

His physician, standing nearby, replied:

“Absolutely not.”

Third Place

The polka-dot jersey looked surprisingly cheerful for a man who appeared to have been dragged behind the team car for several kilometers.

Bandages covered most of the exposed portions of his body.

Nobody was entirely certain whether the polka dots on his jersey were still the original polka dots.

Still, he waved enthusiastically.

Third place in the Tour.

Not bad for someone whose bicycle had apparently finished Stage 17 without him.

The Fourth-Place Finisher

There was no fourth-place finisher on the podium.

There was, however, a wheelchair parked nearby.

Nobody asked questions.

Paris

And there they stood.

Three of the greatest cyclists in the world.

Bruised.

Bandaged.

Taped.

Stitched.

Supported by an impressive assortment of modern orthopedic technology.

Behind them rose the Eiffel Tower.

Ahead of them waited photographers, interviews, celebrations and—one assumes—a very large medical deductible.

Someone in the crowd shouted:

“Was it worth it?”

The three riders looked at one another.

They looked at their medals.

They looked at the wheelchair.

Then the yellow jersey raised his flowers.

“See you next year.”

Because this is professional cycling.

The mountains may be brutal. The crashes may hurt. The road may occasionally remove several layers of skin.

But there is always another race.

Welcome to the 2024 Tour de Hurt.

Twenty-one stages. Three podium finishers. One functioning arm between them.